


This World I Hate

by retribution



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future Fish, Alternate Universe - Guardian Angels, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Car Accidents, F/M, Heartbreak, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 14:19:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3491531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retribution/pseuds/retribution
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is something missing in Rei's world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soulmate/guardian angel AU, in which Rin has died and Rei has to live on without ever meeting him. I guess that was a spoiler, but you could totally tell from the tags.

 

When he was only a little child, his older brother told him that one day he would meet his soul mate.  He would fall in love in a flash, and his life that he did not think had been incomplete would finally feel whole.  He would experience for himself the true and boundless love his mother and father lived every day.

“How will I know I have found my soulmate?” Rei asked his brother.

“You just will.  Something in your heart tells you they’re the one.  Mother said the world glowed brightly around the edges the very first time she saw Father.  Father said he heard bells the moment he first heard Mother speak.  But I heard that it’s different for everyone.”

Rei considered this somberly.  “Have you met your soul mate yet?”

His brother laughed.  “Not yet.  But soon.  I can feel it, I know they’re nearby.”

Rei was eleven when his brother found his own soul mate, a pretty bright-eyed girl who sat down in the desk next to him their first day at Iwatobi High.  His brother said when he looked at her, he saw her name written in the air, and he spoke it aloud the same moment she spoke his name in a wondering voice.

“How beautiful,” Rei thought, staring up at his brother in awe, and he couldn’t help wondering how he would meet his soul mate.

Even so, Rei could not help the tiny pang of disappointment coming home every day after school and finding his brother not there to greet him, but out with his new girlfriend instead.  It was to be expected, Rei told himself; after all, who wouldn’t want to spend every waking moment with the other half of their heart?  If it were him, he would never leave his soul mate’s side if he could help it.

Before long, Rei had followed his brother’s footsteps into middle school, signing up for the track and field club and training hard every day to earn a place on the team his brother used to lead.  By the end of his third year, he had amassed a multitude of medals for his performance in track, along with the highest grades of his class, but despite his best efforts, he made no friends, felt no trace of his soul mate.  Patiently, he kept on training and studying, certain the day will come soon, trying to not doubt himself.  Trying to not feel lonely.

 

* * *

 

 

His first day of high school, Rei was too nervous from lack of sleep to notice any bell-like sounds or glowing lights or unusual signs that could not be attributed to hallucinations, and after the last class dismissed, he chastised himself sternly for being unable to control his social anxiety.  Now he could never be 100% sure he had not already met his soul mate amidst the student body of Iwatobi High.  These thoughts haunted him, and more than once he wondered if he should confide in his brother, already at university in Tokyo and sharing an apartment with his girlfriend.

Then one day, a classmate approached him on the train, begging him to join the swim club, and even though he felt initially annoyed at the interference, something stirred within his heart at the sight of the smiling boy.  It was only a barely noticeable flutter behind his breastbone, surely not the life-changing sign his brother was talking about, but Rei felt drawn to discover more, realizing suddenly that his soul mate did not necessarily have to be female.  His curiosity was what finally prompted him to follow Nagisa to the school’s swimming pool, to meet the seniors of the swim club.  Again, his heart beat faster at the sight of Haruka and Makoto, and if he squinted, he could even notice some sparks of light in the water as Haruka swam in his own beautiful way.  But they did not respond to him the same way, only expressing mild hope in obtaining a fourth member for their relay team.  When asked, Rei admitted that he would consider joining, and Nagisa, cheering, went to fetch the application from their manager. 

The girl stepping out from the club room let out an “oh!” of distress when a wayward breeze picked up the top sheet of paper from her clipboard and whirled it in the air.  Rei jumped and caught it, handing it back to her, in the middle of introducing himself when the wind blew the paper right up into her face.  However, the brief glimpse he caught of her was enough for him.

He knew she must be the one.

Then the same evil paper smacked him in the face, ruining any chance of a good first impression, and red-faced, he grabbed it, realizing his lips had met the faint imprint of her chapsticked lips smeared over the signature line of the application.

“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled in embarrassment, as she laughed and handed him a fresh sheet.

“My name is Gou Matsuoka,” she said brightly.  “Nice to meet you, Rei.  I really hope you join the swim club, we would love to have you.”

“Thank you, I intend to join, Gou-san.  I really look forward to swimming with you all.”  Even though Rei actually had no idea how to swim, he wanted to be with Nagisa and Haruka and Makoto, and most of all Gou.  He would do his best to learn.

 

* * *

 

 

The heavy isolating veil that had covered his world for years seemed to lift as the days grew warmer, and he spent happy summer afternoons trying to learn how to swim with the other three members, and shyly talking to Gou.  Rei finally mastered the butterfly stroke out of the blue one day, and soon afterwards, Gou accepted his invitation to meet him for lunch that weekend. 

Those were the best times of his high school days, he would later recall, not realizing that there remained something missing in his life.  But he was not blind.  He could see the cracks in the perfect little world that they had built, which he had tried to ignore out of respect for them, until he could not bear it anymore.  Until he could not bear to see the listless melancholy spells that would occasionally come over Haruka, and he would suddenly stop swimming and stood there, staring blankly at the water.  During these instances, Makoto would fetch Haruka out of the pool, and Rei would pretend to not notice the tears that ran down their faces that mixed with the rivulets of chlorinated water.  He would pretend to not notice how valiantly Nagisa tried to make up for the drawn-out, heart-broken silences that crept into the conversation among the four or five of them, and how often he would fail.  And despite how much Gou seemed to enjoy his company and attentions, teasing him for his fixations as much as he bantered with her about her own obsessions, he sometimes wondered if he interpreted her interest in him correctly.

So he asked them.  And though it took a while to get anyone to respond directly, Nagisa, Makoto and finally Haruka eventually answered.  A childhood friend of theirs had died some months ago.  That it hurt them badly, despite them not knowing him for long.  That he, without realizing it, was taking that friend’s place.  Nagisa then apologized to Rei with a tearful hug; they had not meant to drag him into their club and then make him feel left out or not good enough, because he was perfect just the way he is. 

“It’s fine, I understand now, Nagisa-kun,” Rei assured him sincerely.  “I am truly sorry for your loss, it must be devastating.  I will swim my best for the team, but if it’s better that I do not join you all for lunch…”

“No, actually, please… stay with us, Rei,” Makoto begged, in his gentle voice.

Haruka at his side nodded, and from his expression, Rei could tell they needed him for more than just their relay team.  Even though they suffered from their friend’s passing, they had made a place for him in their hearts, and his loss from their circle would hurt just as much, if not more.  And so for their sake, and his own, Rei stayed.

He asked Gou his question for her as well, while he walked her home after a movie and some ice cream.  She bit her lower lip, looking away, and Rei knew at that moment that her answer would not be the one he wanted to hear.

“Rei, I’m sorry,” she said regretfully.  “I should have told you before, but I don’t feel the same way.  I wanted to so much, I really like you.  For a while, I thought if I just tried harder… but I can’t honestly say I think we were meant to be.”

“I should be the one apologizing,” Rei said, while his heart broke into pieces within his chest.  “I had assumed something, without doing further research, it was very foolish of me.  I’m sorry.  I never intended to pressure you into something you did not feel was right.  Please forgive me!”

She tried to tell him that it was fine, she did not mind going out with him if he wanted to, a lot of people gave up on finding their soulmates and dated others, but he was too distraught to form a coherent answer. 

“I-I should go,” Rei mumbled, wiping at his eyes roughly before any tears fell.  “Have a good night, Matsuoka-san.”  Numbly, he kissed the top of her head and fled.  To the darkness of his room, its quiet familiar solitude, where he would be alone, but at least he would not be hurting anymore.

Then Rei let his tears fall at last.  He sobbed until everything ached.  When he had finally cried out every tear he could, he glanced out the window, up into the starry sky.  Seeing his puffy-eyed snot-streaked reflection staring miserably back at him, Rei sighed and reached for some tissues to clean himself up, out of habit more than anything else.  With a sniff, he opened the window, not wanting to see himself in the glass anymore, and gasped when a strong breeze blew into his room, rushing the air from his throat and fluttering through his hair.  Despite himself, Rei laughed at the sensation, tickled as the playful wind scattered his notes and ruffled his clothes.  “All right, you’ve had your fun, please go away now,” he said to it, before realizing he was talking to an empty room and feeling silly.

The wind died down, or went away, leaving behind only a scent of cherry blossoms, far past their usual season.  Rei shut the window and almost stepped on his phone that he had dropped in the process.  Picking up his phone, he saw a photo of himself and his brother from when they were still kids show up on the screen, and a soft smile crept over his expression.

“I ought to talk to him,” Rei thought, messaging his older sibling.

His brother called back a few minutes later, and they talked late into the night, as they had not done for years.

“We all make mistakes, Rei,” he said.  “You will find the right person someday.  Don’t be discouraged.”

“But why did I think she was the one?  I was so sure…”

“I don’t know.  But get some rest for now, little brother.  I’ll be home tomorrow, we can talk some more then.”

 With his brother supporting him the way that brothers do, Rei made it to school the following week, heart bruised, but standing on his own just fine.  And although it was awkward seeing her again at swim practice so soon, he managed to resolve the situation with Gou in a satisfactory manner, at least until Nagisa caught them kissing in the locker room and got Haruka and Makoto rushing over to see what was the matter.

“What, I didn’t know you two were dating!” Nagisa cried out.  “Why didn’t you say anything, aren’t we your friends, Rei-chan?!” he accused.

“W-we’re not dating!” Rei denied vehemently.  “We are most certainly not in an exclusive relationship we just… happen to be… going out… on dates…” He didn’t know what else to say and spluttered into embarrassed silence.

“We’re just hanging out together for now,” Gou finished for him, elbowing Rei in the side.

“Oh, ‘hanging out’… Well, you should invite us to ‘hang out,’ too, that’s only fair.”

“Don’t be greedy, Nagisa!” Gou scolded him, chasing after him as he scampered off with a laugh.

Watching them argue good-naturedly some distance away, Haruka then turned to Rei and put a hand on his shoulder.  “If you hurt her, we will not forgive you.”

“I… don’t think there is a possibility of that,” Rei said in a faint voice.

“You two will be fine,” Makoto reassured him, and possibly Haruka as well.  “I think it’s wonderful that you and Gou are seeing each other.  She has been too quiet and withdrawn ever since Rin passed away.  At least she’s smiling now, right, Haru?”

“It’s not quite like that,” Rei tried to explain.  “Gou and I… we aren’t meant for each other.”

Haruka considered this and shrugged.  “It feels like you two belong, though.”

Rei sighed, unable to deny the feeling that still lingered in his heart.  “Yes, I agree.  It does.”

  

* * *

 

 

At the upcoming swim meet, they did passably well on their individual events, and moved on with their medley relay finish time, but even putting in their best effort, the four of them could not advance from regionals.  The season now over for them, they spent the rest of the summer in pleasant idleness at the pool, the heartache of their loss soothed by the triumph of solid teamwork.

Yet Rei still felt restless, as if something was still off amongst the five of them.  He sat at the edge of the pool, watching his friends swim, admiring their form and absentmindedly wondering if he would ever be able to swim the other strokes, while a warm breeze ruffled his drying hair and played over his bare shoulders.  But he could not discover the reason for his unease, and so he slipped back into the water to practice his butterfly stroke.

Rei’s high school career passed by in a dreamy golden haze of swimming and the cherished company of his friends.  Despite having improved their times and exchanges over the past year, they just barely missed out on the chance to advance to nationals in his second year.  And despite being scouted by several universities, Haruka never revealed his decision for his future, as Makoto had eventually decided.  Worried, Rei did his best to pull Haruka out of his slump, but something wasn’t right.  This wasn’t his fight, he somehow could tell, though he continued to give his support to his senpai in whatever he chose to do.

Before he knew it, Rei was leading the swim club with Nagisa and Gou, while Haruka and Makoto braved their first year away from home together in Tokyo.  His third year was crammed with studying and swimming and gradually opening himself up to new acquaintances and new friends, including the other swim club captains of the surrounding high schools.

In the end, Rei never did find his soulmate, even after graduation, after all those years of university and graduate school.  But he had Nagisa, he had Gou, Makoto and Haruka and his family as well.  He had managed to create a good life of his own, and while it wasn’t perfect, it was more than beautiful enough for him.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a long flight back from America, where Rei had recently attended an astrophysics conference on behalf of various affiliated universities, and then stayed to catch up with Nagisa, who had been helping train new and potential crewmembers for the International Space Station.  As quickly as he could, he had grabbed his suitcase and was soon pulling out of the parking garage into the rainy streets of Tokyo, eager to get home and change into his pajamas and drink some tea before going to bed.

Rei never saw the other sports car rear-end him, but they had been going slowly, resulting in minimal damage.   With a worried frown, he put his hand on the door handle and glanced over his shoulder just in time to see a truck’s headlights flash as the vehicle crashed headlong into his stopped car, hear the squeal of the useless waterlogged brakes, feel the impact of the airbag against his face as his car spun out through the wrecked guardrail and over the side of the bridge.

Rei regained consciousness to see icy cold river water pouring into his sunken car.  Up to his waist and rising far too fast.  Panicked, he unlatched his seatbelt and jiggled the door handle, but it would not budge against the immense water pressure.  No amount of hammering against the glass would break it.  “I’m dying,” he thought hysterically.  “I’m drowning again, but there’s no one to save me this time.”

_“Stop panicking, speedo-glasses!"_

Now he was hearing voices as well as about to drown. A rather insulting voice at that.

_“Calm down and use that brain of yours, Rei.”_

But the voice had a ring of command in it that he could not resist, as much as he would like to argue, and so Rei closed his eyes and concentrated for a precious millisecond.  Opening his eyes, he glanced out the windshield, judging the depth of the riverbed based on the dim light filtering through the water, finding it not too deep to swim.  The water had risen up to his chest by now, but it took hardly any effort for him to estimate when the pressure would equalize.  At this point, he had just enough oxygen left in the car if he breathed lightly and took a gulp of air… now.  Swiftly, Rei nudged the door open, it giving way easily and letting him slip out.  Clawing through the strong current, he followed a flickering flash of black and red that stayed in front of his vision all the way to the surface.  Rei gulped for breath when he surfaced, looking about frantically for the shore.  So close, and yet he could barely summon the strength in his heavy limbs to swim that short crucial distance. 

_“I’ve got you.  I won’t let you fall, Rei, trust me.”_

“Wh-who are you?” he shouted, trying to move his arms and legs, seeing no one around but hearing that voice clearly next to him.

_“Are you ready?  Go!”_

Someone else had slid down the slope of the river bank, was calling out to him in a deep voice, and Rei headed towards the sound, feeling his previously frozen body ease into the motions of swimming almost effortlessly.  The police officer who found him grabbed him by the hands and hauled him up to shore.  Rei felt the policeman’s own coat thrown over his shoulders, and then he was being carried up to where both a fire truck and ambulance awaited.

“Rei?!  Is that you?!  Rei, hold on!”

“Makoto-san?” Rei mumbled through chattering teeth.  When did he become a fireman, he wondered absently.  It suited him, though.  There was a brief bustle as the paramedics ushered him into the ambulance to take him to the hospital, but above the noise he heard the policeman say, “I’m coming with him.”

He tried his best to not fall asleep.  He had hit his head and was bleeding from a cut across his temple, and it was so, so cold.  He was sure the moment he closed his eyes to sleep, he would never wake up.  After all that effort the ghost voice put into saving his life, too.  So Rei stared into the policeman’s eyes as the ambulance peeled away, thinking.

“Do I know you?” Rei asked weakly through battered lungs.

The policeman, crowded into the back corner of the ambulance, nodded. “You’ve met me once, long ago, when we were children.”

“Ah.”  Something struggled to the forefront of his memories, but he could not quite pin it down.  “Was it raining back then as well?”

“Yes.  It was raining.”  The policeman’s eyes fluttered closed, his expression wracked with old pain.

“I’m sorry.”  Even though he had no idea what he did.

“It’s fine, Rei.”

 

* * *

 

 

At the hospital, nurses and doctors had him stabilized promptly, his injuries notable but not at all life-threatening.  It felt as if his ribs had cracked against his seatbelt, not to mention the cut on his head and overall bruising from the impact, but the more pressing concerns were hypothermia and pneumonia from his near-drowning.   He had to be observed for two days just to be certain.  At least the policeman remained with Rei, as he floated in a cloud of painkillers and anxiolytics.  He still could not place the strange man, but felt at ease somehow in his brooding presence.

“Go to sleep.  I managed to get in touch with your friend, the fireman, he will be here as soon as he can get off.”

Reminded of his weariness, Rei could feel his eyelids immediately drooping.  “Officer, could you… please open the window?”

“It’s too cold, you’re sick.”

“Just for a little bit, please.”

The police officer frowned, but he cracked the window open, then looked genuinely astonished to sense the soft warm breeze that blew into the room instead of the cold wet gust he had expected.  Each of Rei’s labored breaths eased, one by one, until finally, he fell fast asleep.  The officer closed the window again and settled back to wait, as if he had been born to do so.

 

* * *

 

 

Rei did not remember the restless dreams that marked his sleep, but the sad familiar ache in his heart returned for the first time in years.  He was certain he had been dreaming about his soulmate, most likely due to having nearly lost his life, so his soul yearned to find its match and be complete and safe and content.  Illogical, but could not be helped.

With surprise, he noticed the policeman still there, sleeping in the chair next to his bed.  Squinting in the dimmed lights of the observation room, Rei sounded off the dozing officer’s name on his lips.

“Yamazaki Sousuke.”  It did not sound familiar, but he did not rule out any potential connections.

In a few minutes, the officer woke up, blinking and stretching from his seat.  “You awake now?  I’ll get the doctor.”

Almost as soon as he exited the room, the door burst open again, and Rei nearly screeched in shock, if he wasn’t hooked up to oxygen anyway, upon seeing him accompanied by Gou.  She ran to his bedside, carefully hugging him by the shoulders, while Makoto followed close behind.

“A-are you going to perform surgery on me, Gou-san?” he asked, wary and a little concerned.

“Rei, I’m so glad you’re all right!” she cried out, almost in tears.  “Sousuke found me and told me what happened, I was so worried.”

“I’m fine, they are just keeping me here until the possibility of pneumonia passes.”  Rei patted her hair, surprised that he ended up in the hospital that she was working at as a surgeon, but pleased to see her again.  Glancing up at Makoto, he asked after the other driver and the truck driver, suddenly remembering.

“They have been taken into the hospital, but seem to be doing well, no serious injuries,” Makoto replied.  “I’m just happy you made it, thanks to Sousuke’s help.  Someone really must have been watching over you.”

“I… I think you’re right,” Rei murmured, remembering the voice that encouraged him and supported him, the red and black he kept seeing out of the corner of his eyes during the entire ordeal, the otherworldly presence beside him, protecting him.  That voice he was sure he had never heard before, but he knew without a doubt he had loved it since he was born.

“Haruka is coming, too, Rei.  I think Nagisa is probably asleep at this time, but we can message him later.”  Smiling at him with a fond gleam in his eyes, Makoto gently squeezed Rei’s hand.  “Don’t worry about anything, just focus on getting better.  I’ll take care of everything, okay?”

“Thank you, Makoto-san.  Thank you, Gou-san, for coming, and Yamazaki-san, I cannot thank you enough for your part in saving my life.”

Sousuke just nodded.  Before long, Haruka had arrived from his shift as a chef, still smelling faintly of delicious food as he took over Sousuke’s chair and stared wordlessly at Rei, trying to assure himself that Rei was all right. 

“I’m fine, really I am, Haruka-san.”  When Haruka’s expression did not change, he added, “Thanks to that, I can swim free now.”

Haruka did not seem to think that was nearly as funny as everyone else apparently thought, but he cracked a slight smile for Rei’s sake, and to Rei, it was the most beautiful and comforting thing he could have hoped for.

The hospital room was more than a little crowded now, and with Nagisa calling Makoto’s phone and bawling at the top of his lungs through the spotty connection, a bit noisy as well.  But Rei did not mind at all.  He basked in their attention and love, until the nurses, expressing no lenience for a policeman or a fireman or a surgeon, asked them all firmly to leave the patient alone.

One by one, they exited his room, promising to return as soon as they can.  Until only Sousuke was left.

“Officer Yamazaki, I have a question for you.”

“Yes?”

“What was the name of your friend who was with you?  On that rainy day when I gave you the umbrella?”

Sousuke hesitated for a moment, before answering in a small voice.  “Matsuoka Rin.”

“Matsuoka Rin.”  Rei said that name for the first time ever, and as soon as the last consonant left his lips, he knew, this was the name of his soulmate, and also why he never found him.  They had met once before, but as children, not knowing they were to be soulmates, not recognizing the signs and not remembering later.  If it had not been for this incident, Rei would have never even recalled that drizzling day at the amusement park, when he had given his umbrella to two boys standing under a tree.  Rin, who was Haruka and Makoto and Nagisa’s friend, who was Gou’s older brother, had been dead for almost a year by the time he joined the swim club.

Why, why didn’t he remember?  Even afterwards, his ears would somehow tune out Rin’s name when the others spoke of him, and his eyes would slide over just one spot in the victory photograph that was the only image of Rin he ever saw.  What was this cruel, spiteful world that would keep him from acknowledging the person he would love with every atom of his being?

Because he was not supposed to know.  Someone was watching over him, trying to protect his heart from the pain of loss.  Rin had died in a meaningless accident after returning from Australia, but had somehow stayed on to look after him.  To show Rei the love in his world in order to brighten Rei’s own, to share part of his life with Rei even after he passed away.  All of these coincidences, Rin must have made them happen.  Rei did not believe in nonsense like guardian angels, but… that first swim training camp, when he was caught in the ocean during the storm, how did a sudden lull occur, so that Nagisa, who was never a strong swimmer, could pull him to shore?  That voice beside him, calming him down as he sought for a way to escape the submerged car… that must have been Rin as well.

“Rei…”

“I’m sorry, Officer Yamazaki,” Rei whispered, wiping his streaming eyes with the offered tissue.  “It’s just that… Rin was my soulmate.  But I never got the chance to know him before he... was gone.”

“I know,” Sousuke replied sadly.  “I mean, I guessed you were soulmates from that time we met as children.  Rin was my best friend, and when I saw you, I felt something… new about him.  But when I asked him about it later, he said he didn’t remember much about that day.”

“I didn’t remember meeting him either.”  Rei’s expression was that of a man shattered by the answer he had sought for so long, the hubris of human curiosity punished for reaching beyond its bounds.  “We could have passed by each other so many times growing up, we could have known each other before the accident, but… I suppose it must not be destined for us to be together.”

“I’m sorry, Rei.”

With a sigh, Rei laid back on his pillows and closed his eyes.  Just for one agonizing second, he wished he had drowned in the river.  Then he would be able to look on the face of his beloved and be with him forever.  But… he knew Rin would not have wanted that.  It would be an insult to his memory to wish for death, when all Rin did was strive to make the most of the meager life that had been given to him. Instead, Rei should live out the years Rin would have lived.  So that when he finally passed from this world, it would only be after a rich and full life, filled with joys and sorrows, friendships and discoveries and amazing experiences. 

Life would be lonely, now that he knew what happened to his soulmate… but already he was making plans to return to Iwatobi with the others as soon as he had recovered.  To pay his respects to Rin’s grave, to visit the boarding school he would have attended, to say hello to his widowed mother.  Perhaps he would see the cherry blossoms and stand under them to feel the spring breeze on his face, that would from now on remind him of a love so strong, it surpassed death to stay with him.

“Yamazaki-san… do you know if you will be busy in the coming weeks?  I want to go back to my hometown with my friends, and maybe visit Sano as well.  If you were available, could you show me around…?”

“No.  I won’t be busy.  I will be happy to go with you,” Sousuke replied, smiling in understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, I guess I didn't go into detail about the Rei/Gou, but they were just friends after high school, because she found her soulmate later. Pretend I gracefully explained that somewhere! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. I wanted a nice long but still finished Rinrei fic to feel proud of.


End file.
